Santa's List

"Son, you need to get ready now. We are having the Christmas Party at our place tonight. Guests would be coming in very soon." 

His father said this to him, while the little ten year old Aryan was reading one of his many story books.

He had some other plans. He frowned. He was supposed to visit the nearest Church along with some of his friends, the friends his parents didn't approve of. He belonged to a rich family while his friends where the children of servants who worked for his parents and lived at the back of his house. 

He knew what was going to happen. Like every year, his parents and their friends would end up drinking too much. Some of them might blabber out some secrets which weren't meant to be disclosed or the others might get into a fight. While the ones left would get amazing stories for the town to feed on for a month or so. He had always felt out of place at such gatherings and tried to avoid them as much as possible. 

He walked to his parent’s room. His mother was busy picking out her dress while his father was almost ready and giving orders to someone on the phone. 

"Here comes our baby", said his mom. 

He had mustered up a lot of courage and went to his mom.

He said, "Uh, umm, Mum, I was wondering if I could go to the church with my friends instead. I have no business in your party. Maybe I could skip it this time." 

He saw the way his parents expressions changed and he knew he was in trouble. His father was fuming with anger. He had told him a thousand times to stay away from those friends of his.

To control the situation, his mother said, "Listen love, it's Christmas today. Do you want that the Old Santa adds you in his Naughty List like the rest of those poor friends of yours? You're in the Nice List sweetie, do you want it to change? I and your father would never like to see you on the other side. You and those kids, aren't the same baby. See your clothes darling and look at theirs. If you stay with them all the time, how would the Old Santa make out who our Aryan is?" 

And that's how she said a no to him.

He walked out of their room, disappointed. His friends must be waiting for him. He promised them that he would come. He lived in a big mansion but he still felt suffocated.

And the party started. The same thing which happened every year was being repeated. Almost all of the guests were busy within themselves. Everyone was having glasses of wine in their hands, munching up the food, they were discussing each other, bitching about each other and laughing away to those stories. His parents were busy attending the guests. 

 And that was his perfect chance to escape. He filled a bag with some of the delicacies that were prepared for the guests and tiptoed to the servant’s quarters from the back door. 

He saw his friends and a smile lighted up his otherwise disappointed face. He gave them some food and little gifts he had got for them. Those little children hadn't been this happy since a long time.

"Merry Christmas friends." And he hugged them.

And then one of them said, "How come you're here Aryan? We thought you won't be coming today. We thought you would be inside since a party is going on." 

And the rest of them nodded in unison.

"Mom said that if I see you people, Santa would put me in his Naughty List. But I don't believe her. The people inside, drinking, bitching about each other, cursing each other should be the ones who should be in that list. All those people who think you and me shouldn't be together because we are not the same should be in that list. I wonder how we are different. We all are little kids celebrating Christmas here, aren't we? And even if Santa puts me in that list, I wouldn't mind at all. I get to celebrate this day with all of you. I get to make you all smile. I won't mind being in that list. But I don't think so he'd put me in that. We all are in his Nice List, I'm very sure. And I hope this year, Santa comes and tells this to my parents and makes them realise, I really wish. We're in his Nice List friends, I know." .

Little Aryan looked towards the sky and wished that Santa would listen to him. 

And the children enjoyed their Little Christmas Party and along with those little gifts, Aryan shared a lot more with them, his happiness. Unlike the one going on inside his house, this one was merrier, this one was the reason those little faces had a big smile on them. 

His Wait

The biting cold chilled his fingers and the cold spread painfully throughout his feet. It was as if he was walking the snow laden path barefoot. The cold wind was coming inside through that broken window pane he had thought of fixing last week. The barren trees outside stood mocking at him, just like all those cold winters. The winters went and came back, but that cold, numb sensation inside him just kept on growing. He tried to get up but it was as if his blood was frozen. He could barely move.

It had been a good number of years since she was gone. Eight years, four months and twenty one days, he had kept a count. Every passing day turned out to be a horrible reminder of her absence. Her voice still lingered and often danced around, in his head. The cottage he had been living in was meant to be a surprise for her birthday that year. How excited he was for that! But everything went in vain. Each part of him ached, the winter was making it worse. But he waited for it to end, to reach his solace. The only thing that gave him warmth were memories which later became the reason of his cold shivers. He used to spend hours looking at those old photographs from those occasions when people often wished him with long life and happiness. The former was what he wanted to get rid of and the latter hardly visited him.

He was now in the seventh decade of his life but in his mind he was still in the sixth, the time he still had her with him. The terrible ache of his degrading body parts gave him a weird pleasure, he wished for death every day since the ever increasing ache inside his heart was suffocating him.

When he closed his eyes, while the rest of memories were slowly fading, he could clearly recall the first time he was told about her. He was told that she was the girl he would be marrying. In those days, that’s how marriages were fixed. And a thought struck him when he first saw her, she was beautiful. With passing time, he used to think of new ways just to bring a smile on that face which was too shy to talk to him in the initial days. Over the years he became a big man with a sole reason, just to keep her happy and give her everything. Theirs was a relationship bonded over deep emotions. His ever increasing love, hers was silent yet so affectionate and tender. They gave the best to their kids and had no complaint from life and God. But there was something he wanted to do, something that was meant for her, something that would make her fall for him all over again. Over those years they shared an inseparable bond and now to mark it, he had planned something. He was building a cottage for her at the countryside. How she loved the nature and its bounties and the countryside had always been her favourite. It was meant to be a surprise for her 62^nd birthday.

But fate had something else in its bag for him. He clearly remembered the vows they took, “until death do we part”. It was a hollow lie. Death was just the physical separation he had to suffer while she had gone to another world, she just disappeared. With every passing day, the void inside him ached. Even the sun couldn’t warm him, all he needed was that face he saw every morning when he woke up. He cried, he smiled, not sure how to express himself, he clinged onto those moments they had spent over the years.

He had always heard that Time is a wonderful healer, it would heal all the pain. But the truth was just the opposite. Her scent vanished into the thin air after a while. Her memories were slowly getting erased from his mind. And that was what he feared the most. He didn't want the old age to take a toll on the only hope he had been living on, her memories. There were days when he used to laugh with a glass of wine in his hand, remembering how she used to say that she didn't want to live a single day without him. And her wish was fulfilled, she left him, not by choice though. And now he wished for his end every single day and wondered why God had been so partial towards her. What sins had he done to receive such a punishment!

 But today it had been a bit different. He tried to get up but it felt as if his legs weren't working anymore. With the support of the bed, he did. And he felt a deep pain in his chest and he couldn't breathe. In seconds, he collapsed and his body fell on the icy cold floor. And the last thing he knew was, he smiled in that pain because he was going away, going away from the world he didn't want to live in. He was going to the world where she existed, the world that existed on the other side. He got rid of the pain he had been living with all those years, the deadly pain of separation.

The Little Red Book

The naked winter trees lined up the hill-side road. The winter wind howled and it bit her frozen cheeks. It was getting darker but she took small steps to reach her destination.  Streetlights were looking misty in the fog. The streets slept under a blanket of thin layer of snow. The milky white moon which had just appeared looked like an ornament in the dark sky. 

She stood in front of her destination, her eyes were shining. It was the town's oldest book-store, the one located at the other side of the city, the one she'd walk down to every fortnight when she got her pocket-money, the one she'd buy her books from, the one place she came to, no matter how the weather was. She was a writer, the one who'd write things, stories, poems, thoughts or drew scribbles in her worn out red coloured journal. That was her little secret which she decided to let out someday.

 She stepped in.

The smell of old and new books lured her. The old shopkeeper smiled when he saw her, he knew how dearly she loved those black characters on those white pages. She was looking for her new companion, her new book, when she heard someone call her. It was a familiar face. The tall boy, with geeky glasses and a red muffler was from her school. He was Aryav, the school's Head-Boy and one of the most popular faces. She wondered why he called out her name and how he knew her name at the first place.

"I heard you often come here. This is my uncle's shop. It's quite surprising to see people our age indulged into reading. You seem to be someone who loves books and reading, and of course, uncle told me how you visit this old bookhouse every fortnight. It really surprised me. In this age of social media, when internet has taken over everything, I always wonder how some people still love books. You seem like the best person who can answer me Noor.", Aryav said, hoping for a satisfactory reply.

"Well then Mister you haven't yet discovered the happiness these little creatures give you. The smell of books can never be replaced. The fictional characters, they aren't just imaginary, they live inside us, forever. The stories of these books walk along us and change us in unimaginable ways. You can cry, laugh, love, dance, feel every emotion when you jump inside a book. The pain of ending a story can only be cured by the start of a new chapter of another book. And people, they leave, they hurt, books, they do hurt but never leave. And you know what, the times you feel alone, pick out any book and turn any random page,read out some lines, a smile will light up your face. Books are eternal love Aryav. And if you think I am wrong, try reading one. You might end up having one of the best experiences of your life." Noor said, opening up a new door for Aryav.

"Seems like I have missed out a lot. Let me find a book to read. How about this one, this red one in your hand?", he asked.

"Certainly not this one, but I can help you with getting one. Why don't you try this?" She gave him Erich Segal's Love story, her all time favourite.

"But why not that?", the curious man inside him was restless. 

"Someday, you would." And she smiled, one day her dream would turn into reality.

And slowly, they became the best of friends.
____________________________________ 

Seven years later, Aryav sat in his uncle's bookstore with a book in his hand. It was a best-seller. The title was "My Little Red Book" by "Noor Kapoor." He now understood why she didn't let him read that book some years back. He had fallen in love with books and characters. He fell in love with untold stories and unusual sagas. He couldn't thank her enough, for had she not met him that day, he'd never know how precious those stories printed on golden pages are. 

He opened the first-page of her book and saw, "To someone who wanted this to be the first book he reads. I hope he reads it and goes back to our little conversation, down the memory lane."

And he saw someone enter the bookshop. His happiness knew no bounds. It was the best-selling author herself, It was Noor, the girl who opened a world of possibilities, a world of reality, a realm of imagination, a twist of both worlds for him. She was someone he started loving for her little act. No words of his could thank her for how she changed him. He smiled and walked towards her. 

She was living her dream. And he didn't knew that he was a little figment of it, the one she kept inside her. And she walked upto him, to let out her secret, to express her love. And the love which they felt inside was all because of books, those beautiful creatures.

Goodbyes?

Goodbyes, as they're called leave me wondering, always. I often sit back and wonder what is the "Good" part in it. The sadness that takes over you when you bid the so called good-bye to someone or something, that uncanny feeling takes all over us. The light around us vanishes and all we could feel is darkness. The numb feeling freezes all our sensations. There was this quote which often attracted me some years back, "Why is that when we always say goodnight it feels like the final goodbye, like I'd never get to feel the same way ever?"

At times, I just feel like separation with someone or something feels like we were two clocks, we had the same time but the latter was just some seconds behind, we were never in unison. There are those situations when we just have to leave, we don't really have any option left. And often we get replaced. Are we like the worn out socks or the broken glasses that we get replaced. But what about the gap, the hole which is created when such a situation knocks at our doors? Separation often isn't temporary and our soul is the one which has to pay the price.

Goodbyes aren't always bid to people. Often they are but not always. We tend to drift apart from people leaving a track full of regrets which we often walk on, all over again. But what about the silent goodbyes to other things?

The goodbye to those wonderful, dreamy characters when you close a good book. The last look you give to a place where you've lived all your life, the sadness you feel when you're moving out. Saying goodbye to your favourite box of sweets when it finishes. The goodbye you say to a thing you've been attached to. A goodbye to a pet, a goodbye to your favourite pictures just because those memories haunt you or the goodbye to the older versions of people you loved who changed all of a sudden.

Parting is such a sweet sorrow. And probably, the sweet part is often shadowed by the darkness that surrounds us. The emptiness lurking in the chambers deep in our hearts is what kills the good part in a goodbye. Maybe just to give our silly hearts a pinch of hope, it's called a goodbye or else the rhythm of our heartbeats would start playing a sad ballad and we'd find melancholy in everything we do, in everything we feel.

Now I probably know what someone meant, "To say goodbye is to die a little." And a part of us is always stuck with that thing, place or person once you decide to drift apart, once to you say *Good-Bye* to them. Goodbyes do hurt, they hurt every now and then. They might make us stronger but they are what break every piece of us. The memories stay forever, just the time changes. Everything stays the same in our memory, intact

Goodbyes are unavoidable, they are a necessary evil, a parasite that eats up on all the goodness inside and leaves darkness.

Reality, Harsh but True

We live in a material world where Chinese plastic toys stay longer than promises, artificial make up can over up ugly truths, pollution in the air is much less as compared to what lies in our hearts and minds, true love is the rarest thing to find, even rarer than those big shiny diamonds, terms and conditions might not, but feelings are subject to change.

Millions of people are living their life around us but all we need is that one person, that one person whom we love unconditionally and they have full rights to hurt us. They crush and crumble our soul and we still continue to love them, no matter what. 

If we see around us, hardly one out of hundreds would be actually living his life, rest are just surviving to reach the "The Greater Perhaps".

May sound weird, but this is what it is, the truth we tend to ignore because we seek a mere illusion based upon lies. We seek comfort in what lures us rather than taking a glance inside. But probably, we all will walk this way with false hopes, bigger dreams to reach the destination. 

My Soul's Keeper

Dear diary,

Because more than a lover, today I miss my best friend.

The guy who'd cheer me up no matter what. The guy who'd irritate me and then playfully make it up. The guy who didn't tell me often how much he loved me but his actions were enough to let my heart know. He was the guy who used to prefer kissing me on the forehead than my lips. The guy who took care of me, no matter what. He wasn't the kind of guy who'd shower me with gifts but his care and love were my most prized gifts ever. Not even once in those years he tried to touch my body but instead he had done a much greater job, he had touched my soul already.

I often used to wonder what I did to deserve someone like him. And soon, God gave me all my answers. He separated our paths, forever. I didn't deserve someone as good as him so he was snatched away. And people call him a bad guy for leaving me wrecked. But would you call someone with soul as pure as his, a bad guy? Not even once were his intentions wrong. Love, it was so pure, so selfless that lust sounded like an alien word for us. And still people tag him as a guy who broke a girl's heart.

People are crazy. Aren't they? He was someone you just can't let go of in your entire lifetime.

He is the Augustus Waters who reminds me of The Faults In My Stars and I sit back and remember him as his Hazel Grace. He is my Landon Carter who tells me that This life is a Walk To Remember and that God has something planned for his Jamie. He is my Gerry who often leaves notes that end with P.S. I Love You, just like Holly got them. He often comes to me as Will Blakelee, singing me The Last Song and reminding me that sometimes distance only makes us love them more and I sing along as if I'm his Ronnie. He often crosses my way smiling, just like Adi and Radha, to remind me that he's my Guardian Angel. He is like my very own Arjun Datta who reminds his Shambhavi that some promises are never meant to be broken. And being his Catherine Earnshaw, I recite these words, "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." And being my Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights he hurts me to the core only to pick up the pieces and love me.

Maybe not together, but we both are under the same stars, every night wishing to be the same again.

And I couldn't write anymore because the paper was almost wet with my tears constantly being the reason behind the dampness on my cheeks and that familiar ache inside was taking over every bit of me just like the day since he went. Sadness wasn't just losing him, it was losing my soul along with him. But all I knew was that he was gonna my keep soul safe even if Destiny tore us apart. Our paths are different, but destination, it's the same.

And if someday I get to see him on one of those junctions, I'd say, "I miss my best friend a lot more than a partner. I miss the guy who is the keeper of my soul."

Her Belief In Love

"Do you believe in love?"

He said, adjusting those big glasses. Her deep black eyes were shining. It looked as if that they were just waiting for this question to be asked.

She smiled and nodded. And with a half smile on her pretty face, she said, "Isn't love a beautiful feeling, something beyond beliefs, something that doesn't demand to be defined?"

He was amazed. This girl always came up with unexpected answers and each one of them puzzled him more and more. And here she was, surprising him once again.

And she looked straight into his eyes, hers were sparkling, they held him captive. He actually wanted to surrender himself to their magic.

And she continued.

"Love. The feeling above all, those pure emotions are what we all are looking for. Aren't we? 

But you know I wonder whether that love which comes from the soul exists or not.

I always wanted someone to write to me, I wanted someone to do things for me and not just merely say them.

I want someone who might not express his feelings everytime but his eyes tell me everything.

It's not necessary for him to be there always, I understand he needs his space too. And more than a lover, I wish to get someone who is my best friend, who stands tall with me through thick and thin.

I wish for someone who understands the concept of inner Beauty. I want someone to understand that there is this little immature kid inside me who never wishes to grow up and on the other side is an independent and mature girl who wants to stand up on her own and not depend on someone.

I know I'm never gonna get someone who fulfills all this but who said you cannot keep your hopes high?"

He was surprised. Unlike others, she didn't run after love, she wanted love to find her. She had enough patience to wait, she wanted to wait for someone to call her own. She didn't want to date someone for the sake of it, she wanted to wait for the right time, for the right person. 

He admired her and this answer of hers made him awestruck.

Truly, people like her were very rare.

 He felt short of words to say. But then he simply said, "The heaven has named a beautiful soul to you. And soon, you'll find him and trust me, he'll love you and you Miss would never ever leave any chance to remind him how lucky he is and how perfectly flawless you are." 

She smiled and looked at him. The same question was lingering on in their minds and with passing time, they wanted to get that answer. To him she was like a dream and to her, a way too sweet reality. But inside, they were wishing for the same.

And that is how, unknowingly, a beautiful tale started.

Search Of The Significant Other

When she was busy hiding her tears, she wanted someone to hold her and tell her its okay. He wanted to be that guy for someone.
When she read Nicholas Sparks' novels, she wished for a guy like those characters, like Noah, Logan, John, Landon. He secretly wished to be that for his girl, the one who'd do anything to see her smile.
When she composed those beautiful couplets, she asked the Gods to bless her with a guy she writes about. On the other side, he prayed for her happiness, even though he didn't knew who she was, where she was.
When she hears her friends talking about their guys, her heart sinks, she wanted someone she could call her own. He constantly wished to be the guy, a girl could home to and find her peace, the love she deserved.
When she searched for happiness, he craved to be her solace. 

And destiny twisted their paths. Cupid had made them wait for long enough. One fine day, when she was reading her favourite novel at the local Cafe, he was there too. A single spark was flying when their eyes met. In her eyes he saw forever, in his she saw her dreams come true. 
Eyes met, hearts intertwined, smiles were passed, sparks were flying. That day, heaven witnessed the union of two long lost souls wandering to be one. Their crazy lives were destined to be together, they just had to wait for that glorious day. 
A day that changed their lives, forever. A day when they found their significant other.

My Last Wish

The pain was taking over me. I lay in a pool of blood, red was all around. The color of love, red was actually being the color of my death, my end. I had met with an accident, a bad accident. Just like any dying soul, bearing the pain, all I wanted was one last wish. 
All I wanted was to tell him how much he meant to me. In this whole world, all I had was him. Mom and dad had already left me some years back. My life revolved around him, he was my best friend. He was always there for me when I needed him, but I failed everytime in expressing my love for him. I waited for the right moment, and now I realise, it is never gonna come. I wished to go back in time, I wished to see him just once, just once before my soul leaves my body. But I know it was too late now. A line from my favorite book, *The Fault In Our Stars* was revolving in my mind, "The world is not a wish granting factory." And my wish was left incomplete. Lying in the pool of blood, I remembered him and our moments, because they all would be left as memories for him. I'd vanish like water droplets on road. Leaving this world was not sad, this physical pain was not much, as compared to the emotional heartbreak of leaving him, and that too, forever. But I had to. Everybody has their own time here, you couldn't recharge it with extra credits, and mine was over. We all want more from this life, we can never even imagine when it can end. And now I was regretting words which I never said. I should be mourning over why I am dying so young, rather I was thinking about, how would he continue his life without me. The thoughts echoing inside my head were much painful than the physical pain. And suddenly everything went blank. _______________________________ I opened my eyes. I couldn't move, I was in pain. Where was I? Wasn't I suppose to be dead? And then I saw him. He was holding my hand and he had kept his head near my hand. I tried to move my hand a bit, and he realised I was up. I could see tears in his eyes. As soon as his eyes met mine, I smiled. I couldn't get up. 
He came closer to me and said, "You don't get to walk away from me. I love you so much, since a long time. And you never gave me a chance to say that. You scared the hell out of me. Can't you see how much I love you? Dare you leave me once more. Listen, You don't get to walk away leaving me alone here. I love you and I am gonna take care of you now, I am not gonna let you go, ever. Marry me, Amanat? Will you?"
Tears were flowing out of his brown eyes. He spoke the words I had kept hidden, buried in the chambers of my heart from such a long time. I was in tears, I nodded my head in affirmation. "I have always loved you, Harsh. I will marry you." And Harsh planted a peck on my cheek. 

This world may not be a wish granting factory, but I was lucky enough to have more time, so I could have Harsh and his love. My last wish, was fulfilled. Now, I know, when death would come, I can die peacefully. I had no other wish to ask for. I already got my miracle, my love.

The Guide [Part-13]

~"Some answers remain unanswered till the moment we close our eyes, forever. The mystery of getting the answers keeps us going till the very end. Maybe that's what life is."~

____________________________

I took my phone. It was Viyaan.
God! What the hell did this guy want now?
I picked up. His usual rantings, saying sorry, begging for forgiveness started. I gave him a piece of mind. I literally shouted at him in the middle of the road. People around would have probably tagged me as a crazy psychopath.

I rang the doorbell of that mansion. A lady probably in her late fifties opened the gate. I greeted her as they say in Punjab.
"Sat Sri Akal aunty. I'm a friend of Hriday's."
She gave me a grave expression and signalled me to follow her. I did so. I followed her and went inside. That place was huge, just like my place. The walls were adorned with family pictures. I saw Hriday, his cute dimpled smile reminded me of that familiar warmth.

"Didi, a girl has come, she says she is Hriday beta's friend." She was calling out someone.
Hearing this, a lady, which according to the family pictures would be his mom, I guess, came out. Her face reflected sadness. She was walking down the stairs. The uncanny silence was somehow hurting me inside.

The lady came near me, asked me to sit and placed a hand over my shoulder.
"You knew Hriday, beta?"
I nodded.

She broke down into tears when I said that. I couldn't find words to say. I waited for her to break this barrier of silence between us. At first she asked my name and sat silent for a while.
Finally she said, "I guess you don't know Mannat. One and a half years back, when he got selected into London School Of Photography, we didn't want him to go. We wanted him to study and handle family business here. He ran away from home, to Shimla, before leaving for London, that's what we got to know later.
He wanted to be a photographer. We forced our decisions upon him. He was in Shimla for a week. And while returning back..."
She broke down again.

"What happened aunty? Where is Hriday?" Tears started making their way out of my eyes too.

"While coming back, he was in a bus. As we were told, it was night time, the weather was bad. It was raining. The bus collided with a truck. And Hriday, my Hriday left us that day, forever. It's all our fault. Had we not imposed our decision on him, he would have been studying photography today at London.

I cried, I couldn't stop myself. His mother hugged me and cried. How could this be possible. One and half years? I asked aunty again, when did the accident happen?
Her answer was the same.
But if Hriday was no more, who was it who brought me out of my trauma.
I met Hriday six months back. That means at that time, Hriday had been dead for a year. Many thoughts were circling inside my head. How could someone who isn't anymore save my life. I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

His mom asked me to stay. I did. She introduced to his dad. Both of them lived with a regret, of letting him go and not understanding him.
I told them, "If Hriday would have been here he would want you to live their life, happily. He would want you to remember him. He would want you to stay strong. He would want you to lead their life and never give up. As far as I knew him he would want you to live with his memories so that they make you smile, not cry."

His parents talked about him to me. They even took me to his room. That familiar scent made me nostalgic. My answers were still unanswered. Nobody had any answer to it. All I know was, I owe my life to that person. His mom took out an album from one of the drawers of the room. It was a collection of the pictures he clicked. They were amazing.

That night I couldn't sleep at all. I looked at the diary he gave me. How could this be true? If Hriday was gone, who was he? Who was my guide? Who saved me?
I was helpless. Tears were my companion. I had come to seek answers. Rather, the questions puzzled me further.
All I know was one thing, that life was precious. We all have people who love us. If one day we are gone, some people's lives are affected forever. No matter how alone we think we are, there is always one person on this entire planet who loves us. We just need to think about some people before we think to end it. Their love would stop us. I was so blinded by my miseries that I actually forgot about all those who loved me.
Hriday taught me this.
But who was he?
That would remain a question, forever.

____________________

I carried on with my life. Those questions were still unanswered. But maybe that's what kept me going. Maybe one day, I'll have the answers. But I never lost hope. If life gave me a second chance, that was because of Hriday. He was someone I remembered every day. The warmth of his presence, his dimpled smile, his big nerdy glasses were what changed my life, forever. He did exist, maybe not here but somewhere. One day, I'll probably see him and thank him for changing me and my life.
There are times I call his name in the dark, just to see my Ray Of Hope, my Hriday. But then I remember the words he said to me when he left, " Goodbye Mannat. You're a strong girl. I'm always around you."

He was always around, my guardian angel, my guide, my Hriday, my heart.

*The End* 

The Guide [Part-12]

~"We all get that feeling when we want to go back to our good old days and just enjoy that nostalgic feel."~

______________________________

Sitting near the college cafeteria stairs, she was wondering where the hell was Hriday. He promised to call her as soon as he reached London. But he didn't. Maybe his dreams took him way too far. Whenever she missed him, she saw that diary. She tried sending an e-mail to him too, but as usual she didn't get any reply.

After six months, clouds of disappointment were wandering overhead. She missed him a lot. She had to find him. She took his address from his diary. She had to go to Amritsar, his native.
After her semester exams, she decided to go on a journey to find him.
She owed all her life to him. It was all thanks to him, she lived her life this way. He taught her the real meaning of life.
All thanks to him, today she could actually face her parents. Maybe she didn't give them proper space. She noticed them, they were happy. They were on talking terms, thanks to their business and on better talking terms actually.
Maybe not perfect but she was complete.

And regarding Viyaan and Athira, they turned out to be complete bastards. She faced them with full attitude. those people did wrong to her and she had to show them their real places. Her life was worth a lot more than those two bastards who tried to fuck it up further. She wasn't afraid of facing them. She actually started to enjoy life.
If only one thing was missing, it was Hriday.

She often missed him. She used to wonder what if she stopped him from going.
But well no, she wasn't that important to him but then why he saved her soul when she was way beyond repair. Those questions often troubled her and she knew where to get the answer.
Amritsar.
If not Hriday, she'll get some information about him from his parents.

She was finally at Amritsar. She had heard quite a lot about this place. It was Amritsar, the holy place. the place where Golden Temple is situated. She decided to visit the holy temple and to seek the blessings of God. At one point of time, when she had given up on everything, even on God, Hriday was the one who restored her faith into him.

She found peace when she visited that place. Every bit of it reminded her of Hriday and the time she spent with him. soon, she'll find the link to her answers and find ease inside.
She took an auto after that to find his place.

"Race Course Road, bhaiyya, Udhar jana hai." She said to the autowala.
(I need to go to Race Course Road)

"Nayi ayi lagti ho madam idhar ap?" He said.
(You seem to be new here)

She nodded.
When she reached the spot, she found his address.
She was about to enter his place just when her phone rang.

____________________________________

The Guide [Part-11]

~"Some people come into our lives and we have that unnamed relation with them which is treasured forever."~

________________________

"I want you to go somewhere with me. That place isn't in Shimla. You can have a good shoot there and trust me you won't regret it one bit." I said in an excited tone.

"Which place is it, Mam?" He questioned.

"First of all, stop calling me Mam. It's Mannat, not Mam. We need to go to Pabbar Valley. It's one of those off beat places in Himachal that you just can't miss. The scenic beauty of that place is gonna leave you awestruck Mr. Photographer." I jumped out of excitement.

I told him about the place while we were in the bus. Pabbar happened to be one of the most beautiful valleys of Himachal. Beautiful, yet isolated. That place offered some beautiful scenic beauty and lush orchid forests. I was glad that place wasn't so popular. Thank god it's beauty was safe, and not polluted. That place filled me up with a breath of fresh air.

We were there, at Pabbar. After having a Pahari Chai at one of those Dhabbas, I knew where to take him. One of the famous hill sides for paragliding, that was the place. The beauty from the top of that place was something he would never forget.

With our funny conversations, started another relationship. I didn't want to call it friendship because it was much more. The aura of warmth and closeness around this guy was something I won't forget all my life. How he helped a stranger unknowingly was something remarkable. Had it been someone else, I'd be probably dead by now leaving my famiky lurking into deep holes of misery. I'm glad I met him.

Once at the top of the hill, I looked over at his face. The rush of happiness was visible in his eyes behind those nerdy glasses. Being a photographer he had a thing for nature. And I brought him to the right place.

"Beautiful, I can see the clouds. Too close, Shit man. Wow. I'm speechless." He was astonished.

"My life saver, this was the least I could have done." I said.

He hugged me out of happiness. And that day I realised not everyone is meant to hurt us. Sometimes a stranger can help and understand us in much better way than the ones we think we loved. Sometimes, someone tends to change our life, forever, that too unknowingly. Same happened with me. Hriday was someone who changed me inside out.

He was clicking some shots and I was enjoying the view. He was suppose to leave for Delhi tonight as he had a flight next morning. I decided to go with him. He gave me a new strength. A new energy filled me up to face my life. He affected my life in such a way in these two ways which others couldn't do all my life.

Strange life is. In a way, I was thankful to God to turn it this way. I met him, Hriday.

On our way to Delhi, an uncanny sadness filled me up. I didn't want him to leave. All during our way we talked and talked and talked. I wanted to capture every single detail of this perfect week.

In a jiffy, the journey ended. We were at Delhi. He had to go, to chase his dreams. I was happy for him. He promised to call his parents as soon as he reached London. I didn't want him to leave. He was my pillar of strength. I had a bad feeling of losing him. But he wasn't actually someone who belonged to me. He was just a stranger who taught me life is. Well, maybe not a stranger.

"Mam, where are you lost?" He waved his hands in front of my eyes. He was about to leave.

We both had tears of happiness in our eyes.

"Here, keep this. It has my contact details and Some of the best shots from the journey. Keep it with you." He handed me his diary and we promised each other to stay in touch. He promised to see me when he was back.

I gave him the necklace I used to wear. It was a small gold M.

With a heavy heart, I bid him goodbye.

"Goodbye Mannat. You're a strong girl. I'm always around you. I'm glad we met. You gave me the best time of my life. Take care of yourself. Message me every now and then." He said.

I hugged him tightly and said, "Come back soon Hriday. I'll miss you. I can never thank you enough for what you've done for me. I know you'll make it big. Take care and don't you dare forget me."

He patted my head and walked away. He was going on a journey he'd never want to come back from. And after a while, he merged with the whole lot of people. He was someone who taught me what life is. He was someone I could never forget.

Hriday was my guide, my guardian angel.

_________________________

The Guide [Part-10]

~"Some people open our eyes to the reality and no matter what, we can never thank them enough. They're somewhat like our guardians, guardians of our souls."~

__________________________

He held my hand tightly. He was about to twist it.

"Leave Hriday. Please, it hurts." I cried. 

"This hurts? This hurts Mannat. This hurts according you. Let me push you off this cliff right now. That's what you want, right? Let me do it. Nobody knows that you know me. No one would blame me. Why wait? Let me do it right now. It'll be over in seconds. You'll be gone. I hardly know you. It won't bother me. What would bother is that I couldn't give you one reason to live."
He was literally dragging me to the edge of the cliff. I was trembling.

" No, no. Pleee...please Hriday. Don't do this. Please stop. It'll hurt me this way. I don't wanna do it. Stop." I begged.

"Why? Why to stop now? It won't hurt you. It'll hurt the ones who love you. When they'll see the sight of your strangled body, they'll be devasted. No one else would ease their pain. That sight won't leave their mind, ever. You're selfish. I wonder why people like you don't care?" He kicked some stones on the ground and I see them falling.

Tears were making their way out of my eyes. Maybe he was right. I was selfish. But what about the pain. I couldn't live with it.

"Don't you show me those tears, goddamit. They aren't worth it. Suppose something happens to you. You know what happens next? Your father would curse himself all his life for not giving you his shelter. Your mother would think where she failed to understand you. Your family would wonder what could they have done to save you. Your friends would think why you did this, what were your reasons, why they failed. And people like me, in whose life you left an impact would get depressed wondering if we could have stopped you anyhow. You have people, you have that love, that care. For God's sake just open your eyes. One wrong step and you would end up destroying so many lives. How could you even? Do it, do what you want. I'll be in London with a regret. But still I won't be affected that much because I hardly know you. But think about your people, this would haunt them forever. And this might lead to the end of someone. What are you scared of? This is what life is. Open your eyes Princess. Life isn't a bed of roses. This is the reality.
BOOM! Come out of the dream world. Face it. And losers like you decide to end it. You'll be gone, easy way out. What you'll leave behind would be a never end pain. Miss Mannat Rajvansh, you're a selfish bitch. I'm sorry to say, but you are. Think about it once and then do whatever. Who am I to say?"
He turned his face after he said this.

A sense of realisation dawned upon me. I hugged him tight. He hugged me back. I felt safe. He was someone who opened my eyes.

I whispered, "I'm sorry Hriday."

"Don't be sorry to me. Be sorry to yourself. Life is hard, Mannat. Suicide isn't an option. Be strong enough to face it. There are people out here who care. Not Everyone intends to hurt you. Understand the situations others are in and then think about conclusions. You're a pretty smart lady and I know you are strong enough to handle this. You have people. And now, another name has been added in them, Hriday Sharma."

And he wiped my tears.

I couldn't find words to thank him. He was a mere stranger but he was someone who opened by eyes to the real world. I owed my life to him.

I said, "Hriday, you're my guardian angel. And I need you to go somewhere with me. Please don't deny."

"I won't. Let's go Mam." He said this adjusting his glasses.

And once again he gave me his dimpled smile, the one that gave me warmth.

After a while he said, "Where are we going?"

He took out his camera and took some beautiful shots, he even captured me in his lens.

I smiled and said, " No questions, you'll see."

__________________________ 

The Guide [Part-9]

~"There are some people who come into our life and make us realize how incomplete we were before they came, how life never made sense when they weren't."~

_________________________________

We settled at the cafe. This guy had a mysterious aura around him which was somehow making me wonder the secrets he was hiding behind those big nerdy glasses. His dimpled smile was something which game me warmth. He was a mere stranger but there was something in him which made me think that he is someone like me, someone hiding the pain inside.

A casual conversation started off. And then we came to the point, What made us come to Shimla all of a sudden?
I let him go first.
I knew about his selection. I didn't let out the secret though. I wanted him to be the one to tell me that. He told me about his selection and how his parents wanted him to complete his degree first and then peruse it. But he didn't want to let go of such an opportunity. He decided he would run away from home and never come back until he became a successful renewed photographer. He even showed me some of his clicks. This guy had that spark in him. I wish his parents agreed to him. His passion was driving his life. Leaving home was a difficult decision but he took it. But he was kinda regretting it now. He had decided to call his parents soon and tell them about it. He wanted them to understand his choices.

I respected his decisions. Parent's love is what we all need at the biggest crisis during our lives. Seeing that feeling of regret in his eyes somewhat made me think about the possibilities that would follow about the decision i took. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe i could think about something else.

It was my turn now. We were already walking on The Mall Road now. I narrated my story and started to cry. He made me sit on one of the benches and wiped away my tears. That strange level of comfort made me feel better. A lot better actually.

After a while he said, "So what brings you to Shimla, Mannat?"

I took a deep breath.
I couldn't find words but i somehow said it.
"Suicide. I'm ending this worthless life of mine, soon. Before that i wanted to see the place that had stored many happy memories of mine. My life's good old days were spent here, just to revive them, I came."

He was shocked. His grave expression told me all that.

"Get up". He was ordering.

I was wondering why.

"Just get up", he held my hand tightly and started moving.

"Where are we going? Hriday? Listen?" I demanded an answer.

"Shut your mouth, Miss. I need you to see something. Just stop. Your bloody brains and your bloody ideas, to hell with them. you're coming with me." His voice had aggression.

I followed him like a lost puppy.
All during the way, he didn't say a word. He had held my hand and dragged me ahead. I didn't oppose. I trusted him.

After a while, he reached near a hill top. We were a bit outside the main city.
I was running out of breath.

"Here we are." He sounded dominant.

"Here? Why?" I was confused.

He gave me a sarcastic smile and looked around.
He laughed and look towards the sky, " God, give some brains to fools like her."

I was offended and i said, "You can't say that, thats wrong."

"You, Miss Mannat are no one to say who am I and what I am doing. Did you hear me?" He said.

I nodded and waited for him to say something.

________________________________________

The Guide [Part-8]

~"That feeling when you want to do everything before you die just because you don't want to regret a single moment you've spent, no matter how unfair life was."~

_______________________________________

If i had a motive right now, it was to find that stupid nerdy Hriday Sharma. I forgot to add careless. How can someone be so careless when it came to the best opportunity they'll ever get. I forgot, he is a guy! So careless and dumb he is.

I walked down to my cottage, the one my family owned. It had been a long time since we came here.
I switched on my cellphone and messaged my cousin to cover up for me.
I had messages from Viyaan and Athira. They were sorry about it. That actually made me laugh. They wrecked me and they were being sorry now. I sent the same message to both of them, "I don't care about you. You can go and fuck each other. I'm sorry. I forgot, you actually do. And god knows since when! Have a lovely life ahead, you both are never gonna see me again. Neither i wanna see your fucking faces, ever."
And a series of sorry messages followed but that didn't change my mind about them.

I looked around the cottage. We used to come here every summer and i used to love it. The place brought back a thousand forgotten memories. I freshened up and got ready to walk around. I walked down to The Mall Road. I was in love with that place. I could see people celebrating life. Love was blossoming, families were together, that actually made me curse life more but somehow i regained my inner self, "Just some more days, Mannat, just some more days."

The beauty of this place was making me double minded. What if i started life from a new end. I wanted to scream at that moment. But i didn't. I went on to The Ridge. And i was so excited to see my favorite place, The Christ Church after so many years. I was literally dancing inside. That place was one od the enduring legacies of the British Raj and till date is known for it's beauty. The best thing about that place were the five fine stained glass windows which represented the Christian virtues of Faith, Hope, Charity, Fortitude, Patience and Humility.

I went inside and prayed to God. I had my family in my prayers. Even if they fell apart, they were the people who loved me, unlike Viyaan and Athira. I asked God to keep them and to give them strength.
Just then, someone tapped on my shoulder, i opened my eyes and saw who it was. It was Hriday Sharma, that stupid guy from the train.

"So the pretty girl is praying, haan?", he said.

I gave him an annoyed look and continued with my prayers. When i opened my eyes, he was still there, giving me his cute dimpled smile.

"It's a bad habit to disturb someone who is praying", i said as we made our way towards the exit.

"I'm a bad boy." And he smirked.

"You don't look like one." I said.

"Looks are deceptive, miss. And i didn't remember your name, what was it?". He again smiled.

"Because i never told you. I'm Mannat and you're Hriday." I looked at him.

"Mannat, you're a wish from the God himself. And how do you know me? Mysterious lady you are!" He was shocked.

"Up for a coffee? I'll let you know, you idiotic nerd." I laughed

He nodded and we walked together.

________________________________

The Guide [Part-7]

~"There are times when you're done with your life, when you want to scream and shout and end it in a moment."~

__________________________

I took the ticket to the next train to Shimla. I had to wait for a couple of hours at the Railway Station. Every face passing by me had a different story to tell. Maybe some were strong enough to face it and some were good enough to hide it. But everyone was dealing with a different devil in their life.

I took a decision. I had to take it. I didn't want to but I was forced to take that step. I decided to end my life. Suicide, it was. I had no one. I was a ditched soul. Everybody I loved went away. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I was bad at relationships. Maybe that's the reason everything feel apart. I should have helped my parents out. Had I not ignored Athira and Viyaan, maybe that didn't happen. But still, how could they do this to me. How could they cheat. With every passing minute I was drowning in an ocean of seclusion. I couldn't live with this pain, forever. So it would be best to end it now.

Before ending it, I wanted to visit Shimla. I loved the place more than anything. I wanted to recall the childhood memories. We used to come here, back in my summer break when I was a little girl, when we were a happy family. I wanted to relive those memories. On one of our school trips, we came to Shimla, that was when Viyaan kissed me for the first time. I had made many memories in this city. And before leaving, I wanted to go back to the best time of my life. Maybe not the existing real life, maybe the memories might give me a bit of happiness before I reach my destination.

The wait had come to an end. It was early morning. I could hear the train coming to the platform. I got up and picked up my stuff. The train was there. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. I was going on a journey with no return ticket. I had to change my train from Chandigarh station. And I did so.

I took my seat. After a while, a guy came and sat at the opposite berth. His smile was really charming. He had a big camera in his hand, DSLR probably. He gave me a smile and I smiled faintly. His little dimple was visible. He adjusted his specs. He seemed to be like a guy with a high intellectual level. Looks could decieve but that was what I could make out from his looks.

I was lost in my thoughts. That journey was long. I didn't want to reconsider my decision. After a while, a tear started rolling down my cheeks.

"Hey you alright?" That guy from the opposite berth said.

"Yes, completely." I faked a smile.

"Are you sure? You can tell me something is wrong. Alright?" He said with a voice full of concern.
I nodded.

I didn't know when I fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of someone saying, "We're at Shimla. Wake up." That someone was tapping on my shoulder. It was that guy from the opposite berth.

I rubbed my eyes and saw outside. We were at Shimla. I thanked him. He picked up his stuff and was about to leave. He said, " Take care pretty girl. Don't let those tears bring you down."

Was he trying to flirt?
Probably not.
He seemed to be like a guy who had a girlfriend and he loved her with all his heart. He looked pretty decent.

And he went. I was picking up my stuff when I realised he had left something at his seat. It was some sort of a letter. The logo said it was from London School of Photography. Seeing his DSLR made me think that it might belong to him. It wasn't right but I opened it. It was an acceptance letter.

It said, "Congratulations, Hriday Sharma. You've been selected at the London School of Photography", and it went on. I looked around, he was no where to be seen. I had to give this to him. How could that guy be so careless. This was such a big opportunity and he didn't even bother to look again once.

Hriday Sharma, I have to find you before I die.
__________________________

The Guide [Part-6]

~"In Our bad times, all we need is love and support from the ones we love, silently. We might not go and ask them for it, but we do expect that from them."~

____________________________

Three months had passed. Semester exams were over. I managed to get an average score, not a good one like always. But I was okay with it. Now, it was time to get back home. I had isolated myself. I didn't interact much with Viyaan and Athira too. And after a while they too didn't put in efforts. I was devasted. Faith and hope sounded like alien terms.

Finally I had to go back. Tickets were booked. I didn't want to go back to the place with which my happiest childhood memories were connected. That same place was responsible for wrecking my life. I didn't want the haunted present to take over my cheerful past.

Mom lived separately now. It was just a week and I was switching places. That made it more difficult for me. They were partners in business but ended their partnership in life. Relationships can take up an ugly side. I tried calling Viyaan a couple of times but his phone was usually on waiting. I used to text him but he usually gave me cold replies saying he was stuck in something. I felt bad because he was online but he used to say he was busy.

I wanted to go back to Delhi. I talked about it back home. My cousin Rishika was in Delhi too. I made an excuse to visit her. But actually I wanted to see Viyaan.

I took the evening's flight to Delhi. I tried to act as normal as I could in front of Mom and Dad. That helped me to get allowance easily. I landed at Delhi and straight away went to Select City, Saket. I went to get some gifts for him just to surprise him. I picked up a good watch and a red t-shirt for him. I felt it was my mistake too. I became selfish, my sorrows isolated me. I ignored him and now I had to mend it.

I was so excited to see my love after such a long time. I've been seeing him all this time but I was distracted. I reached his apartment's building. It was around 9. The guard knew I was a regular visitor so he let me in. After such a long time, I was actually feeling happy and good about myself, just because of Viyaan. I had the extra key to his apartment. My stupid mind told me not to ring the bell and surprise him. I was so mesmerized by my own thoughts. My soul was actually seeking happiness after a long time.

Quietly I went inside. I tiptoed so that he couldn't hear me. The lights were off. Was he even at home? Just then I heard some noises coming from the bedroom. I guess some friend of his might have come over. I silently went near his room, kept my stuff at the sofa and rotated the door knob and shouted, "Surprise".

It was a shock rather than a surprise. Viyaan was in bed with a girl. I knew that girl so well. She was Athira. I couldn't believe my eyes. Athira tried to cover herself with a bedsheet. Viyaan came out of the bed putting on a shirt lying on the ground.

"Its not what you're thinking. It's not. Listen, listen just Mannat?" He couldn't even see me in the eyes.

"It's okay. I, I, I'm sorry I disturbed you. I'm really sorry. I got some stu..stuff. It's lying on the so..sofa outside. Bye. I should leave. I really should go. Bye." I was choking. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. Life deceived me once again.

I found my way to the door, picking up my bag. Viyaan was trying to stop me but I didn't listen. My perfect life taught me a lot in just three months, three mere months. And it was all over. My family broke, my parents fell apart. My best friend and boyfriend were making out thinking I was back at Ajmer. Both of them were cheating on me. If God had a list of sorrows given to people, I'd probably be at the top right now.

I walked down to the metro station and the next thing I knew was, I was at the New Delhi Railway Station trying to hold back my tears finding my way to the ticket counter. My cell phone was buzzing. I sent a text to mom and dad and switched it off.

____________________________

The Guide [Part-5]

The Guide
[Part-5]

~"The marks humans leave are too often scars. (John Green)"~

____________________________________

It was my 20th birthday. I didn't feel like celebrating it one bit. Celebrations are done when you have people to share your happiness with. Well, I had them but not as the way I wanted them to be. The relations weren't the same now. I didn't want people to wish me, if they could, i would want them to get my happiness back for me. But this was too much to wish for.

Athira wished me at 12. So did Viyaan. I faked some excitement for their sake. Somehow, even they understood my pain. I wanted to be alone. My birthday which was once the best day of my life now held no significance for me. Mom called and so did Dad. They were telling me about some gifts they were sending but how could I tell them that all I wanted was to see them together, again. But I held in my emotions. They didn't want it, they're happy this way. They don't want us to be a family. Then who am I to say anything?
I held back my tears with great difficulty. It was just a normal day, cursing life and wanting my old life back. That spark inside me had died.

It was around 4 when Athira told me to get ready. She said she had some plans. I denied but she didn't take no for an answer. Reluctantly, I got up and got dressed. Every bit of me was against it but still for her sake, I was doing it. We took a taxi and she gave me a gift. It was a dress and a small copy of Bhagvad Gita, to stay strong. I smiled and hugged her. She told the taxi to take us to Viyaan's apartment. My whatsapp, inbox and Facebook was showing notifications of people wishing me but here I was ,sitting like a lifeless soul with silent screams.

Viyaan was waiting outside. He hugged me tight and whispered, "My baby is looking beautiful." And all of a sudden he blindfolded me and held my hand. I took baby steps along with him, being careful not to fall down. But I knew he was there to hold me, at least. I couldn't see anything, it was pitch black like the darkness prevailing in my life.

He opened the blindfold and I saw his apartment. It was beautifully decorated. Balloons were all over the place. But I didn't need that superficial happiness. There was my favorite Choco Truffle Cake on the center table. The walls were decorated with my pictures. Soft music was being played. Had I been my old self, I would have literally shouted on the top of my voice.
Viyaan took me near the cake and said, "Cut it baby." I held the knife and all of a sudden the emotions inside me took a tool over me. I threw the cake away and pushed the table. It lay upside down. I took a balloon in my hand and popped it. I feel down on the ground on my knees and started crying and screaming. Two blank faces had their eyes on me. But I wasn't in my senses. I didn't care. How can they expect me to be happy about it? I tried to be, but I failed miserably. Nobody knew the grave pain that had been set back in my heart.

I dug my face into my palms and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I'm not ready for anything. I am sorry, really. I spoil everything. I spoilt it too. I'm sorry."

I didn't need condolences and sympathies at that time, even support wouldn't have helped me. All I wanted was, isolation. All I wanted was to tie again, the broken threads. All I wanted was a miracle to happen, but i forgot life wasn't a fairytale.

____________________________________

The Guide [Part-4]

~"There are times in your life when you need the ones who love you but somehow you push them away. Your agony and pain tends to isolate you from the world."~

__________________________ 

I felt like running away. I thought it might get better but every freaking day I woke up with the realisation that my family fell apart. After three days, I decided to get back to college. The atmosphere back home was suffocating and if I stayed there any longer, it would have probably suffocated me to death. 

I travelled by car to Delhi. It was a long journey. In another five hours or so I was back in Delhi. During the journey I felt like laughing out over my life. One moment, it was all perfect and now BAM! It's all gone. All that is left is the dark memories. I felt like being a little kid again who would cry out loud and get her wishes fulfilled by her parents. Life was so good back then. Such complexities didn't exist. 

I entered the hostel and went straight to my room. I looked like a wreck, but I didn't care. I went and hugged Athira and sobbed for an hour. She understood it and didn't say a word. She knew it won't help. Actually nobody could have helped, I had to do it myself. 

The next day, just to make me feel better Viyaan and Athira took me out for lunch. But my mind was stuck back there. I could hardly keep up with what they both were talking. This thing was getting on my nerves. I felt like screaming out loud. I don't want a life like this. I was controlling my tears somehow which just needed a medium to come out. 

After a while Viyaan offered to walk with me. We were walking down the road. It was a hot afternoon, sweat beads were trickling down our faces but it wasn't bothering me one bit. The scorching heat was nothing as compared to the raging storm of emotions inside me. 

Viyaan could easily sense the level of discomfort in our silence. He put a hand around my shoulder and said, "It wasn't your fault, okay? I know it hurts and you're disturbed. But don't punish yourself this way. It'll take time but you'll get better. You have me and Athira with you. And I'm sure individually your parents are there to support you. They aren't abandoning you. You need to be strong. They took this decision, so baby you need to respect that somehow. Maybe it's for the best. Try to understand.

My thoughts were at ease when he said those words. I nodded and gave him a hug. I'm glad someone was understanding me and supporting me and not just forcing their decision upon me. Maybe he was right, maybe it was for the best, but still, why? And the darkness took over again. 

It was my birthday after two days. I didn't feel like doing anything. The girl who went crazy shopping for her birthday now didn't even want to cut a cake. Birthday presents were something I was fearing right now. I wish i get the present of happiness instead of the worldly things but I was wishing for something which couldn't be true. But that's how we are. Our stupid heart only tends to wish for the things which are far away from our reach. 

___________________________

The Guide [Part-3]

~"There are certain situations in which silence wouldn't help. You have to speak up to get the answers you want or else you'll be left with a regret of a lifetime."~

____________________________

I was in tears. I was literally choking.

Why all this? Why me?

Dad came near me to pick me up. His very touch on my shoulder which was once my biggest support now felt like a huge burden.

"Don't dad, please." I was literally screaming.

He backed off. After a while, I wiped down my tears, picked up my bag and went to my room. I locked the door and threw myself up on the bed. My phone was showing miss calls from Viyaan and Athira. I felt like smashing my head on the walls. Why? What was my fault? Everything felt like a huge curse. I held my pillow tightly and sobbed like a little kid.

Mom and Dad came, knocked at my door but I didn't respond at all. My parents might have been worried.

My parents, I can't even call them parents as a whole now. Some days back I was planning for my birthday and now I feel as if all the sorrow in the world has decided to reside inside me.

I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Sobbing and cursing life, I didn't realise when I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up with a heavy head. I went downstairs and saw Dadi sitting on the sofa. I went and hugged her tight. She kissed my forehead and I felt a sense of security. She told that Mom and Dad were in the office and were supposed to come in during lunch. She made me eat a bit. I was quite reluctant but she made me eat by her own hands. I rested my head in her lap and she moved her hand through my hair. I felt a bit better.

Mom and dad were back. They knew I needed an answer. So before I said anything, mom came near me and said, "You would hate us, we know. But this is our own decision. None of us has forced it on the other. The growing disparities between us can't allow us to stay together anymore. I know we've hurt you a lot but if we stay together we'd hurt each other beyond limits. I hope you understand our position."

I gave her a grave look. Dad came forward and said, "We've divided the business and the property too. But you are our child, we can't force you to stay with one of us. We can't ask you to choose. For you, we'd be your parents but separately, we aren't husband and wife anymore. We tried, we did. But it's of no use. The understanding between us has died and staying together would literally mean breaking each other's neck someday."

How easy it was for them to come and tell me all this. Didn't they see the pain in my eyes? Didn't they see my tears? I was in deep shock. I had no words.

I finally mustered up all the courage and said, "So is it final? Is it what you both want? Don't you wanna think about it ?"

"We've given it enough thought and this is what we seek now. This is the best we can look upto." These words of mom felt like an obnoxious curse.

"Do you realise I won't be able to look upto both of you and call us a family anymore? I used to saw my life was a blessing. Shit. It's a curse. A deep pain. It's like someone has stabbed me. My life feels like a lie. I love you both, you are my parents. I can't hate you, no matter what. But I'm sorry, I don't respect this decision of yours."

Tears were making their way down my cheeks. The happy-go-lucky girl who once thanked God for her wonderful life, now wished that it was a dreadful nightmare. And she'd wake up soon to find everything right in place. That girl was me. And that was actually happening. My life was breaking down into pieces right in front of me and I was helpless.

During evening, I went to a lake nearby. They say life is a continuous process. You have to move on. But this? This was beyong cure. After a while, I called up Viyaan. I cried my heart out to him. I felt as if my happiness was snatched and I was enslaved to the dark enormous chambers of seclusion. Talking to him didn't help either. I'm glad he understood it and didn't force me to fake a smile.

Happiness felt like an emotion which was now a distant relative. Sadness and hollowness now sounded like home. My thoughts couldn't find ease. How can they do this? I failed at being a good daughter. I couldn't hold my family. I couldn't hold them back. Every bit of me wanted to go back to the time we were a happy little family. But time was a slut. It took its revenge on me. My happiness was replaced by a never ending, uncanny sorrow.

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